Not the greatest start to things...

Well I'm here.

I arrived yesterday afternoon, was met at the station by a French student called Jean-Phillipe who took me on the long trek out of the city to my campus in the middle of the countryside.  The campus is absolutely nothing like I expected, yet I should have expected it really, considering that I know French schools look like prisons!  I was expecting quite a small campus, one relatively modern block of student halls, the art school, and the other university buildings.  And I expected at least some amount of information about the campus/rooms on arrival, but all I was presented with was a key.  My room is disgusting.  It's dirty, it's dated, it's more than basic, and the words "FUCK ISRAEL!  PALESTINE'S SUPPORT GROUP" are scrawled across the wardrobe and shelves. 

The bathrooms aren't exactly pleasant either - toilet stalls that contain nothing but scummy little toilet bowls (no seat, no paper holder), swimming pool style showers covered in limescale, enormous sanitary bins next to the door, and the whole thing's done out in dirty white tiles.  The kitchens are done in the same white tiles, and in there all you get is a big tiled worktop (that I wouldn't put ANYTHING near), a big sink and two nasty looking raised hot plates.  That's it.  Then there's a fridge which houses about 8 individual padlocked compartments - definitely not enough for all the people this kitchen's supposed to cater for!

Then there's the campus - 5 huge Camberwell-council-estate-style blocks, plus one half demolished one, and apparently the different university faculties are dotted about along with a library and a post office, but I can't say I've found any of those because if I stray too far from my building I'll never find it again!  Nothing's labelled, I have no map and this is a VERY big campus.

So of course, I think it's understandable that I was completely gutted when I arrived yesterday, and had a huge cry almost immediately.  Maybe it was the full realisation that I was going to be away from home for a very long time and that I'd really miss people, but I think it was mainly the shock of how horrible this place is.  I was all for turning round and going straight back to the train station to come home, but Jean-Phillipe said it wasn't so bad here, that I could go walking in the countryside every day and that there's a lot of solidarity amongst the students because everyone lives in the same horrible conditions.  Then I was introduced to a few people who told me that every Wednesday night at the campus' cultural centre there's a party for Erasmus students, with a meal and a film, which sounded nice, although I made a point of eating my soggy Sainsbury's sandwich before I went as no way were these French kids going to cook something vegetarian! 

So it was all okay, and I met some other English people, which was a HUGE relief, as so far I can barely understand what anyone's saying - the accent is so difficult to get my head round.  Apparently the English girl I haven't met is vegan, so at least there's someone who's going to struggle to eat a lot worse than I am!  The other Erasmus students were very nice, and it seems like there's always a lot going on on campus, which is good, because the less time spent in this depressing little room the better!  Annoyingly though, I was warned that if I dress how I usually do in the centre of Marseille, I'm likely to get hassled by some pretty undesirable types...  And that French boys are very slimey, so be EXTREMELY careful. 

So I have mixed feelings now.  I am still devastated, as I proclaimed on Facebook, and the prospect of leaving and just coming back to Camberwell instead of doing an exchange is still really appealing.  Though how can I just turn round and go home before school's even started, especially considering that I've wanted to do this for so long??  And maybe it won't be so bad as there are some okay people around and I'm sure to meet more...  But on the other side of things I just feel really trapped and unsafe, and when I think about everything it makes my breathing go a bit weird and I feel desperate to get out - what am I supposed to do??

After a long talk with Mum and text conversation with Andrew last night I've decided that I need to take each day as it comes, try to avoid feeling depressed and lonely, think about how Adam Ant and David Bowie wouldn't have given up, try to upgrade to a better room, get in touch with the English kids to hang out, go to the supermarket, clean up a bit, get some plants, decorate my room a bit (how stupid am I for not bringing a single poster??), find out where things are on campus...

I do really want to come home though.  I know I should stay and give it a chance, and I know that it's not like me at all to give up on something, but this whole thing just doesn't feel right.  It completely reminds me of being at Byam Shaw you know.  I felt sad and alone there too, and whereas I'm glad I stuck it out for the whole year, it was NOT a creative time at all, and I've come on in leaps and bounds since being happy at Camberwell.  Now my time spent here is one sixth of my degree time at Camberwell, and I don't want to waste that time by being unhappy and uncreative - and I know from experience that when I'm unhappy I get stuck and can only make small amounts of very bad work.  So perhaps I wouldn't regret it so much if I came home tomorrow....

AAAAARRRGHHH!!!